It’s been an exciting week. In a stunning and historical turn of events, the Illinois Legislature has voted to allow civil unions for gay people. It’s a law that will soon permit me and every other gay person in the state to destroy the institution of marriage…by entering into an institution very similar to marriage.
I know. It’s crazy, it’s a little hard to follow, but that’s the conservative line on the issue. Not being a conservative myself, I can’t pretend to understand their ideology. I just know that they’ve invested in us a power beyond my puny minority-mindset comprehension: the power to destroy everything for everyone by simply doing it.
As a gay person, I’ve long known that my people possess the ability to ruin. We’ve already ruined things like…
The Pretty Rainbow In The Sky
These ruinations, whether by design, by accident, or association, however, are small potatoes compared to legal gay unions, that twice-baked supernova spud and crusher of all of existence that it apparently is.
So I will destroy marriage! How? By getting married! But before I do, I think I’ll destroy the institution of pants. How? By putting them on my gay ass! And then I’ll destroy the institution of breakfast! How? By shoveling the most important meal of the day into my gay pie-hole!
I’m not sure how long it will take me to get around to fulfilling my marriage-crushing destiny. I’ll be pretty busy, destroying everything, all the time, for everyone, you know. But that day will come. And when it does, I’ll take the hand of my partner of eight years, look her in the eye, and together we’ll promise eachother and the world that we’ll take that divorce-plagued, infidelity-riddled, statistically-doomed institution known as marriage and destroy it once and for all.
No need to thank us. It’s just what we do.