Shit My Old Man Says

Why does wisdom sound sort of like breaking verbal wind?
Why does the wisdom of the ages sound sort of like the breaking of verbal wind?

My sister recently hipped me to the Twitter blog “shitmydadsays” in which someone calling himself “Justin” has preserved for the ages an assortment of his father’s rabid, fist-shaking, denture-rattling proclamations.  Running the discourse gamut from the question of whether household pets are sentient beings (“The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”) to the exaltation of culinary cult figures (“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (Justin’s mother) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”) to existential alienation in the modern world ((left on answering machine) “Hello? Hello? It’s Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it.”), Sam is a fearless philosopher warrior who “goes there”, as the kids might say.

While I certainly enjoy these quotes, it does appear to me that  Justin may be deliberately provoking his dad on some of them, like since when does an old man just bust out a slap-down on Kate Beckinsdale?  Ordinarily, I might dismiss this as just reality-show-style-scene-setting, but the fact that this guy is very likely baiting his dad and making him look like an ass in a public forum is richly satisfying from a vicarious standpoint.  Who doesn’t want to stick it to the old man?  God knows I do.  I love my dad, but I don’t call him The Dream Crusher behind his back for nothing.  And instead of trotting out that tattered tapestry of grievances that makes our relationship so special and touching, I would much rather retell (for what’s probably the 75th time, tirelessly, and to people I barely know, even) the story about how he once tried to order “TWO SENIOR COFFEES!” at the top of his lungs, like a murderous Mr. Magoo, from one of those hooded garbage cans in the McDonald’s drive thru.  Take that, Dream Crusher! 

What’s more, “shitmydadsays” will most likely put another nail in the coffin that contains the idea that the elderly have “so much to offer”.  It’s a sentimental notion that casts a sheen of altruistic nobility on those in their “twilight” years that I suspect no person in their right mind would want to even pretend to embody.  Sure, with age comes experience, and with experience comes wisdom, but contained within that wisdom is the knowledge that nobody learns by listening, if they even listen at all.  (And anyone who’s dwelled on this planet past adolescence can tell you practically nobody listens.)  So if no one’s listening, you can pretty much say whatever you want.  Hence, Sam’s quotability and ultimately, the revelation that the Wisdom of the Ages is itself one big bitchfest.

Justin lives with his dad, and from the looks of things, their relationship is kind of a caricature of the classic parent/child dysfunction: contentious and fraught with prickly criticism.  The use of the remote control, the leftover meatballs, and even the toilet, are glittering golden prizes in this battle for dominance.  Justin may not get the meatballs, but he’s listening while managing to get the last laugh. 


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4 Responses to “Shit My Old Man Says”

  1. Sharonicus Says:

    I LOVE that he actually yelled into the horrific red and yellow clown McGarbage can. I secretly fantasize about doing that every time I drive through.

  2. Laura Says:

    Someone suggested (on Twitter, natch) that there needed to be a Twitter account called “StuffMyDadNeverSays.”

    First entry: “I love you.”

  3. kelly Says:

    That rollover photo illustrating “our relationship” was perfectly chosen.

  4. Abba Kafka Says:

    I cannot stop laughing. I agree with Kelly, that the picture of “our relationship” was win all over. Dream Crusher?? Murderous Mr. Magoo?? I will probably quote entire sentences here with abandon. How long have you been soaking in genius?

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