Giftmas (TM) 2009 Shopping Guide!

My copy of the Harriet Carter catalogue arrived this weekend, ushering in the auspicious Giftmas (TM) 2009 season!  Sure, it may seem a little early to start preparing for that beloved annual non-denominational, consumer-driven, mass-craze-behavior frenzy tradition, but I march to the beat of a different drummer.  Harriet Carter is her name.

The receipt of the Harriet Carter catalogue is akin to the crack of a starter gun for the True Believers who take its presence in their mailboxes as seriously as Punxsutawney Phil does his shadow, at least insofar as the behavioral patterns displayed by the borderline agoraphobic demographic in America resemble those of  burrowing rodents.  (Which may be quite a bit, as far as we know.)  Harriet Carter says it’s time to take advantage of this beautiful September weather to start stringing up those lights, cranking that Perry Como music, and buying inexpensive gifts for everyone in all 14 categories listed in her online Holiday Store!

So without further ado, please enjoy the cream of the HC holiday crop:

Auto Enthusiasts


 After the dehumanizing experience that is the typical commute, nothing is more pleasurable than seeing your existence visually confirmed by the impression of your own ass in foam.  Spray it with some latex and make your own fossil for all eternity!



Cupcakes are now 6 1/2 inches in diameter and 7 inches in height?  Time to start drug testing at the Federal Bureau of Weights and Measures!


Sizzling wieners!  Hot buns!  Think of the Hot Dog Toaster as your one-stop-butt-sex-joke shop.  Besides, it really is hard to make hotdogs.  Ha ha– I said “hard”.



 Secret Santa wants you to shut the fuck up.

For Those Near And Dear

HCDaughter Plaque

The inscription is a little hard to read, but allow me to quote a few highlights:  “Daughter/You are a special gift to me/ Blessing my life forever…”  I’m buying one of these babies and packing it away for a rainy day in case I need a last-ditch guilt-trip contingency plan for the day my daughter packs me away to some shady Social-Security-Fleecing Factory nursing home.

Fun and Games


This tragedy transformed into an “ice breaker” (guf-freakin-faw) of a sight gag “gives your guests something to talk about.” Like what a raging crasshole you are.

Gadget Gurus


Like ol’ hoss Jean-Paul Sartre says: “Hell is other people”, so defend that sacred solipsistic sanctuary of yours with a Wireless Driveway Alarm!  No one will ever disrupt your enjoyment of Jerry Springer ever again.



Old McDonald had a garden torch, E I E I, burn the mother down!

Gifts of Laughter


This Gift of Laughter, merely pretends to laugh with you, only you’re too stupid to know it.  Merry Giftmas (TM), you lazy sack of shit, you!

Hard To Shop For


People who are “Hard To Shop For” tend to be, well…different.  Redheads are different.  Don’t let that redhead in your life forget it for a second!


Please note the hair color of the model of this, the weirdest offering in the “Hard To Shop For” category.  I rest my case.

History Buffs


Scratch a history buff, sniff a leather daddy, I always say.

Kid Stuff


Tiger Woods started playing golf at the age of two.  Your child’s championship cornhole career begins this Giftmas (TM).

Pets and Pet Lovers


Angels’ Eyes (R) isn’t so much a gift for Grandma and her watery-eyed purebred as it is for anyone disturbed by the fluffiest family member’s propensity to cry the sacred, rusty tears of a Mexican Virgin Mary statue.


It’s potty time for puppy!  Can’t seem to wrestle that box of Domino’s Pizza off your chest because your right hand is stuck in a bag of Fritos and your left hand is texting your views on the latest reality show?  Even if you could wrestle out from under the weight of This Modern Life, will getting off the couch to walk Swayze around the neighborhood cost you valuable televison-watching time?  The Potty Patch Mat will buy you a gallon of golden couch time!  That’s right; I said a gallon.  Give the pet lover in your life the gift of squalor and blackest ennui.

Pollyanna Picks


Okay, so this DVD celebrates 75 years of the Rockettes, so odds are the recipient of this gift is just about that old themselves, possibly even older.  They probably don’t have that many Giftmases (TM) left in them, come to think of it.  That said, don’t you think you can do just a little better than this unwatchable digital drink coaster?

Sports Buffs


Snuggies as we know them leave a lot to be desired when it comes to manliness.  Complete your manly Snuggy ensemble with officially licensed NFL g-strings and hooker wigs (coming soon)!

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