A Marriage Of Mass Destruction

It’s been an exciting week.  In a stunning and historical turn of events, the Illinois Legislature has voted to allow civil unions for gay people.  It’s a law that will soon permit me and every other gay person in the state to destroy the institution of marriage…by entering into an institution very similar to marriage.

I know.  It’s crazy, it’s a little hard to follow, but that’s the conservative line on the issue.  Not being a conservative myself, I can’t pretend to understand their ideology.  I just know that they’ve invested in us a power beyond my puny minority-mindset comprehension: the power to destroy everything for everyone by simply doing it.

As a gay person, I’ve long known that my people possess the ability to ruin.  We’ve already ruined things like…


The Mullet


The Pretty Rainbow In The Sky

These ruinations, whether by design, by accident, or association, however, are small potatoes compared to legal gay unions, that twice-baked supernova spud and crusher of  all of existence that it apparently is.

So I will destroy marriage!  How?  By getting married!  But before I do, I think I’ll destroy the institution of pants.  How?  By putting them on my gay ass!  And then I’ll destroy the institution of breakfast!  How?  By shoveling the most important meal of the day into my gay pie-hole!

I am become gay, destroyer of worlds! 

I’m not sure how long it will take me to get around to fulfilling my marriage-crushing destiny.  I’ll be pretty busy, destroying everything, all the time, for everyone, you know.  But that day will come.  And when it does, I’ll take the hand of my partner of eight years, look her in the eye, and together we’ll promise eachother and the world that we’ll take that divorce-plagued, infidelity-riddled, statistically-doomed institution known as marriage and destroy it once and for all.

No need to thank us.  It’s just what we do.

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9 Responses to “A Marriage Of Mass Destruction”

  1. Jeannette Says:

    oh my God.. I don’t know you.. but I think i love you.. thank you for destroying marriage.. I will now go and rest knowing that my marriage is properly destroyed.. and I did not have to do a thing.. I’ll cross that off my list of things to do 😀
    and congrats on getting hitched… er unionized 😀

    • Hellraisin Says:

      You’re welcome. It might interest you to know that the marriage of Princess Diana and Prince Charles has been retroactively destroyed. Di is alive and well and happily modelling hats for Vera Wang. Congrats on your new life! The sky’s the limit!

  2. mandy w Says:

    I will make sure Paul see’s this post. He will laugh for days over the rainbow picture! Congrats on your victory.

    • Hellraisin Says:

      Thank you, Amanda! I could not believe my luck when I found those rainbow pics; I guess after the law passed, the good fortune came with it. Give Paul a big hug for me.

  3. Abba Kafka Says:

    I have to write my philosophy paper on same sex marriage; I wish I could turn in your blog instead. You’re like a hysterical Martha Nussbaum.

  4. Hellraisin Says:

    I’m flattered, but Martha would probably frown on plagiarism. Especially gay-on-gay plagiarism.

    • Hellraisin Says:

      PS You’ll be interested to hear the marriages of the members of ABBA have retro-split as well. They are now happily surrogating eachother’s gaybies.

  5. Samson Says:

    Ohhhh thank you for that belly laugh. That was awesome.

    • Hellraisin Says:

      You’re very welcome! PS You’ll be very interested to hear that Ike and Tina Turner have been retro-split. Tina’s selling her own line of unnatural wigs and Ike’s been dead since the 50’s!

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