Gaytheist Xmas Album 2010!

I like to pretend that song “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” was written as the sarcastic suicide note of some poor Seasonal Affective Disordered smartass who just couldn’t take it anymore.  This thought is one of the few things that gives me genuine Christmas Joy during this SAD season.  Here are a few others:

 The Merry Mannequins of Charlemagne Oaks Mall:It’s important to think good thoughts when you’re trying to keep the one surviving ember of your personality alive through the cold and forbidding winter.  Ergo, I’d like to think that whoever is behind the Mannequins is not an evil person.  I’d like to think that this brittle, empty-eyed, inexplicably fellatio-faced tableau mort of an 80’s Christmas was created to warm hearts, not chill bones and shatter souls.  No, I’d prefer to think that the creator of the MMOCOM has gone on to discover the right psychotropic medication for their demons and is resting comfortably in a quiet place somewhere far, far away with plenty of surveillance cameras to keep them company.

  

Why?

In your FACE, American Plastic Toys Homestyle Kitchen :

Kate and I have a closet full of tools and a whole toolshed full of know-how, not because we’re quirky DIY hipsters, but because we’re freaking poor.  We’ve faced our share of construction challenges in our eight years together, but nothing could have prepared us for the left-brain bitch school presented by the American Plastic Toys Homestyle Kitchen.   When I opened the box and poured out the pieces, all 154 thousand of them, each one inter-molded to another and affixed within one of dozens of plastic frames, I had two thoughts: 1. “This is the world’s largest cereal prize!  Shit!” and 2. “This is quite possibly the end of my marriage!  Shit!”

Kate at the crossroads between DIY and WTF.

Yet we soldiered together in a near-perfect silence through all 4 pages of instructions, pausing only to take the name of the  reason for the season in vain, and somehow, we made our little girl a kitchen.  We only have thirteen years to learn how to make her a car.

Mabel vs. The Elf On The Shelf:

We don’t normally cotton to squealers in our house, but in light of a recent rash of outlandish behavior culminating in a grandparent-gasp-inducing Thanksgiving-pants-drop, Kate and I were desperate.   Like idiots, we outsourced our parental authority and called in The Elf On The Shelf.  This “new holiday tradition” works like this: TEOTS is Santa’s rat fink. He watches your child during the day and then he zooms off to the North Pole at night, narcs him/her out to Santa, and then returns to a different vantage point to observe anew with gleeful, yet unmistakably dead eyes.  Mabel named her elf  Pickle.  The subversive genius of this name sucker-punched me several days later while chasing a shriekingly-out-of-control Mabel in the Wendy’s. When I heard my own voice cry out right there in front of the ketchup pumps, “What do you think Pickle is going to say about this?” I knew she had won.  Touché, my junior gamesman, touché’.

Mabel Wearing a Snowsuit, Dancing At Home to Al Green:

Wynonna: The Family Heirloom

 

Every holiday season, I hang my love for the inexplicable high in the Christmas tree.  Wynonna is its name.

The Beautiful, Cheery Glow of Norris Funeral Home:

We live on Worst Case Scenario Street.  The homeless shelter, the home for battered women, a bar, and a funeral home are all within 2 blocks and a hard knock away from our home.  For some reason, the funeral home is the only one decorated for the holidays on the entire street.  Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

The end.

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9 Responses to “Gaytheist Xmas Album 2010!”

  1. Kelly Says:

    HILARIOUS, especially “left-brain bitch school” and Wynonna. I mean, that’s just amazing. Merry Christmas to you and your adorable family!

  2. Lesley Says:

    I can’t believe you have a wynonna ornament!
    I also like how your post above came from the future.

  3. steve Says:

    we killed our Elf on the Shelf off yesterday and blogged his obituary: http://sdavria.blogspot.com/2010/12/rip-marco-elf.html

  4. Hellraisin Says:

    Pickle better watch out, he better not cry…

  5. Balonicus Says:

    Bravo!

    The world would be a better place if everyone used the word “cotton” as a verb and only a verb, especially when addressing the Santa-squealing narc-elf named ‘Pickle’.

    Those mannequins look like they just shambled, deadlike, out of a Terry Redlin painting.

    I love the Wynonna ornament. Have you seen her lately? Skin as orange as those lights on your tree.

    That’s a lovely photo of the funeral home. Viewing it made me feel all warm and cozy inside.

    Happy New Year, Melinda and family!

    • Hellraisin Says:

      When ‘polyester’ can be conjuated, my work will be done. Happy New Year to you and yours, Sharon!

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