Archive for the ‘lesbian’ Category

A Modest Gay Marriage Proposal

November 20, 2010

Gobble, gobble!

“A Modest Gay Marriage Proposal” was originally published on November 8, 2009.  Since then, fabulous things have happened: the Gay Marriage ban in California was overturned, as was Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (maybe).   History continues to be in the making, yet it hasn’t helped me make an honest woman of Kate, my partner of 8 years.  Our 3 year old daughter Mabel remains a bastard.  I’m still pissed. 

Gay marriage was defeated by popular vote in Maine this week, delivering the cause a stunning roundhouse punch right in the Guccis. I, for one, have spent this week marinating in a dark concoction of vinegary frustration and venomous fury to the point that if I were to be tossed onto a grill and parcelled out on paper plates, I have enough taint to inflict at least 20 serious tummy aches at a church picnic. (more…)

One Teenager in Ten

November 6, 2010

 

“In this life, things are much harder than in the afterworld/ In this life, you’re on your own!”—Prince

High school is a laugh riot.  It’s a jolly funhouse where the unpopular and the unusual are punished for their crimes against conformity with a topsy-turvy ridicule.  Here, overweight boys have “due dates”, homely girls are proposed marriage by homecoming kings, underwear waistbands are wedgied into easy carrying handles for Special Ed students, and exchange students, (regardless of country of origin) are addressed in mock Chinese.  In this swarming mosh pit of ha!rassment, powered by sweaty insecurity and raw, smelly fear,  homophobia stands as the indisputable height of hilarity.  At least that’s how I remember it.

“Gay” was the Golden God of Comedy at my Iowa high school back in 1985.  (more…)

The Time Traveler’s Same-Sex Partner

October 31, 2010

“WHAT!”

I’ve come to understand that the internet is all abuzz, atwitter, and ageekin’ about a certain video clip.  Unlike most viral videos, this one is black and white, has no audio track, and features a very small but fully dressed cast.  There are no double rainbows, no conspicuous consumption of  tooth-rotting cocktails, and certainly no bed intruders.  It is also over 80 years old.

What makes this video so remarkable is that it features a dumpy, grumpy, vaguely mannish woman who appears to be engaged in a heated conversation…on a cell phone… at the premiere of a Charlie Chaplin film. …over 80 years ago.   She is the center of a swirling vortex of speculation and controversy.   What is she talking into?  Who is she talking to?  Is she just talking into some old-timey contraption for the hard-of -hearing or is she a time traveller? (more…)

Renaissance Faire!

August 1, 2010

The Princess and her adoring minion

Sometimes answering the question “What are you doing this weekend?” is a tricky thing.  What I do when I crawl out of my corporate foxhole, (I mean cubicle) is fulfill the Charter of Me, to manifest my will in all ways within the boundaries of the law and physics, to bloom from bonsai to sequoia, to savor the sweetness that comes only from being the boss of the applesauce of one’s day.  So when I’m asked “What are you doing this weekend?” it’s pretty much tantamount to answering the question “Who are you, really?”  While I’m certain I’m not the only one planning on being her own damn self, I’m just not capable of revelations that seem to be expected of me, like “I’m someone who attends local sporting events and endorses the comeback efforts of one Jon Bon Jovi” or “I’m a small but vital component in the economic survival of such retail chains as American Eagle Outfitters and massive capitalist empires as Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises!”   I learned quickly that if you’re not buying something or wearing a Cubs hat this weekend, you are considered hostile opposition to those who do.

So when I said I was going to the Renaissance Faire this weekend, I said I was taking Mabel to the Renaissance Faire.  This means the answer to the question “Who are you, really?” is “I’m a fun mom!” instead of “I’m a complete dork-tard.”  (more…)

Friday Goulash (Sunday Edition) 03-21-10

March 21, 2010

“There are no words…none.” –Hedwig Robinson.

Once upon the 1980’s, a divorced working mother in the midwest performed the same ritual every Friday: she would collect all the dinner leftovers of the week and toss them in a pot with some elbow macaroni, Clamato, and a mysterious thickening agent.  She would refer to this concoction as  “Goulash.” “Friday Goulash” is a tribute to this woman and her potful of weariness. It’s in her spirit that I serve up a week’s worth of tidbits slow-cooked to dry-yet-strangely-sticky perfection.  It goes great with Kool-Aid! (more…)