Archive for the ‘Suburbia’ Category

The Key Lime Cove Chronicles: Part Two

December 29, 2011

Hunting for “MONNNNN-sters”

RipTide Reef Arcade“With 8,000 square feet of fun, crafted in age-appropriate zones, there’s interactive fun for everyone.”– KLC Glossy Propaganda

After a towel-down, a wardrobe change, and a dinner of contraband homemade pizza, we took Mabel to the RipTide Reef Arcade.  All of the elements connoting the Vegas zeitgeist (minus the alcohol, hookers, and Cirque Du Make It Stop) are evident at The Rip: the onslaught of flashing lights, pulsating “ooncha ooncha” club beats, the fabulous prizes.  The mission statement of The Rip is simple: play games, win tickets, trade the tickets for unbelievably cheap, eminently breakable prizes. (more…)

The Key Lime Cove Chronicles: Part One

December 25, 2011

At Crossroads Of The Crossroad’s Crossroads

We are lost under layers of winter wear. We scurry headlong into oncoming squalls churned up in a dark, frigid place so lonely and terrifying that the wind itself had to flee it, screaming. We look directly at a counterfeit sun, coin-sized, washed-out, and utterly worthless.  It is summarily dragged down like the token at the end of a cosmic window shade. We make our way home into a premature darkness and we know we’re on our own. We exhale clouds of warm, damp life—so quickly dissipated in this climate of unrelenting mortality. In the outlying fields, where the suburbs and the jolly Christmas lights end, the furrowed rows of plowed-over cornfields are braided with wisps of snow and sinister black soil. Even the barren trees seem given over to dark thoughts:   the grasping neuron-like branches wave helplessly in the wind, clutching shreds of  dappled winter sky. It is winter in the Midwest, and make no mistake: it is a bitch. (more…)

Hillbilly Lanai: RIP

July 24, 2011

Hillbilly Lanai, Halloween 2008

I’m happy about getting a new porch, don’t get me wrong, but I’m really going to miss the collective of splinters and paint chips that came together for the cause we called The Hillbilly Lanai.  The Hillbilly Lanai was more than a porch.  It was, in the vernacular of sentimental gag-provocation, “a member of the family”, albeit a weather beaten family member who squatted by the side of the street and hoarded windblown litter and wildlife bones in its nether regions–an insane homeless great uncle, if you will.   To its credit, The Hillbilly Lanai didn’t give up its ghastly chipbag and chipmunk cemetery secret until it was dismantled, a gesture I’ve taken as a sign that it did its level best to live up to love that it was given by living down its more unfortunate attributes.  Bless its heart. (more…)

Gaytheist Xmas Album 2010!

December 25, 2010

I like to pretend that song “It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year” was written as the sarcastic suicide note of some poor Seasonal Affective Disordered smartass who just couldn’t take it anymore.  (more…)

Renaissance Faire!

August 1, 2010

The Princess and her adoring minion

Sometimes answering the question “What are you doing this weekend?” is a tricky thing.  What I do when I crawl out of my corporate foxhole, (I mean cubicle) is fulfill the Charter of Me, to manifest my will in all ways within the boundaries of the law and physics, to bloom from bonsai to sequoia, to savor the sweetness that comes only from being the boss of the applesauce of one’s day.  So when I’m asked “What are you doing this weekend?” it’s pretty much tantamount to answering the question “Who are you, really?”  While I’m certain I’m not the only one planning on being her own damn self, I’m just not capable of revelations that seem to be expected of me, like “I’m someone who attends local sporting events and endorses the comeback efforts of one Jon Bon Jovi” or “I’m a small but vital component in the economic survival of such retail chains as American Eagle Outfitters and massive capitalist empires as Lettuce Entertain You Enterprises!”   I learned quickly that if you’re not buying something or wearing a Cubs hat this weekend, you are considered hostile opposition to those who do.

So when I said I was going to the Renaissance Faire this weekend, I said I was taking Mabel to the Renaissance Faire.  This means the answer to the question “Who are you, really?” is “I’m a fun mom!” instead of “I’m a complete dork-tard.”  (more…)